Mama, Do you love me?

Joyce

My mommy.  My Halverson Mommy.  The best mom that chose to love me.  Mi Mama.

My Mom and Dad adopted me shortly after I was born.  They flew down to Santiago, Chile to pick me up and take me home to be theirs.  They chose me.  

I remember watching the home videos that my dad took while in Chile and when I was placed into his arms he said "She is like a little present."  Actually now that I think about it, that might have been my mom who said that.  I'll have to find that home video and find out for sure.  But I remember the look on his face.  I remember the love in my moms voice and the video shows how she glowed walking off the plane, onto the runway and into the airport lobby where my siblings were waiting.  

The way her eyes crinkled when she smiled and the way her mouth turned up at the edges while she held me and the noticable sniff and rub of the nose she does when she is happy, was very obvious in that home video.  I wasn't old enough then to remember that, but it's clear when you watch the video that she is proud.  I am her daughter. 

Mama Joyce, raised me for 36 years.  Yes, I just laughed right now because yes, she is still raising me.  I will never stop learning from my mom and my dad until I can no longer learn anything else.  She loved me in such a way that I'm sure most dont understand.  I would imagine its very similar to loving a stepchild.  Except She didn't have to worry about all the added extras that come along with being a stepparent.  That is a totally different topic and one that I'm learning currently.  

One of the memories I have of my mom is when she would read me the book "Mama, do you love me?"  I think it was a frequent choice of mine when I was a tiny tot, because to this day, I do not need to know if she loves me.  I just know. She doesn't even have to say "I Love you" I just know.   She was always on my case though.  ANA... clean your room.  ANA... pick up your clothes.  ANA... wake up.  ANA... STOP READING ON THE TOILET.

bhahahahhaha.  Yes, I was that kid.  I had a book I would read in the bathroom.  Which now has been changed to a phone and the voice I hear is actually my husbands.  STOP PLAYING ON YOUR PHONE.  ope.  oopsie.  my bad.  Unfortunately, the cleaning.... hasn't gotten much better... its just mostly in the closet and possibly a few items leaking out onto the bedroom floor... ok maybe like a whole outfit or two... 

Which APPARENTLY.... is 2 big signs of ADHD.  Did you know that? I didn't. Until I insisted on being tested for ADHD 2 years ago.  I just had this feeling that my Anxiety and Depression wasn't entirely due to my abusive ex.  Guess what... I passed with flying colors, This girl has ADHD. 

Mommy Joyce, still doesn't quiet agree with the diagnoses but I'm sure now after 2 years with me being medicated, she can tell a difference.  I actually can listen to her advise and not feel like I failed a test.  Did you also know that people with ADHD constantly feel like a failure?  WAHHH?!?!  yeah, me neither.  RSD actually goes hand in hand with ADHD.   

So here's a tip.... Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria 

"is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations." 

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/?srsltid=AfmBOorbC9NgFZ_XTcEVjC5b96gIMvvREbXL-Ewf1rSYtfB7aLNV36Kt

Which basically means... if we think about a moment too long... if we think about the tone you used, the words you used, the way you sighed, the way you folded your hands, the way you might not have put down your phone, the way you didn't come visit when you drove by to visit your other child... if we think about those moments too long... we immediately get triggered.

 "When this emotional response is internalized (and it often is for people with RSD), it can imitate a full, major mood disorder complete with suicidal ideation. The sudden change from feeling perfectly fine to feeling intensely sad that results from RSD is often misdiagnosed as rapid cycling mood disorder."  (same article)  

That means... if you know someone with ADHD... they are going to need to be encouraged verbally way more often than someone without ADHD would need. Thusly... I had depression and anxiety way before my exhusband and it only worsened afterwards. I'm so proud of myself for finally listening to my friend Sarah (who I havent seen or spoken to in several years) and went to the doctor. She is the reason I was able to get up that next day and started protecting my mind. I'll be forever grateful for that.


I do however wish, I had insisted on getting diagnosed as a younger kid because I would have probably far exceeding my brother Peters grades. mwahahaha! At least I like to imagine that would be the case. Peter is an amazing person and an equally loving father to his 3 kids and caring husband to his wife. He is one of my role models.


But maybe thats why my mom would read me that book so often. "Mama, Do you love me?" Yes, I do, dear one. She would recite outloud to me.


My mom Joyce gave me a great gift, the gift of love. (Obviously, so did my dad but he can have his own entry soon.) She raised me to love others just the way I would want to be loved. In turn she prepared me to love my birth mom. She didn't know it but she taught me to love Mama G.


February 22nd 2025.
I was finally reunited with my birth mom. I cried and cried and cried. She was much shorter than me but I didn't care. I felt like I was a little kid again and my mom was holding me. Finally. I felt that feeling that everyone else would talk about. The feeling that I belong. The feeling of everlasting love. The feeling that my Mom Joyce taught to me through her actions and through her love of Jesus. If I could describe that love in one word it would be, Hope.


Hope. When all else fails, there is always Hope. Honestly... maybe the correct question wouldn't be "Mama, Do you love me?" It would be "Mom, do you have hope for me?" Because, Mama Joyce does. I know she does, without a doubt.


When we finally left Chile (don't worry, I'll talk about it more later), I cried on my Mama G's shoulder. I said to her in my best spanish, "I'm sad to leave you mom, because the first time I didn't have a choice, but now I do have a choice. I dont want to leave. I want to stay with you. But, I know that I have the best Mommy and Daddy waiting for me at home. They taught me to love you and I can't wait for you to meet them."


Mama G said to me "I love you very much and I love your parents. Please tell them thank you for raising you to be caring to others and be a good girl and behave." ahaha. I wiped a tear off my cheek chuckling. She's the best.


Mama, do you love me?


Sipo, yes, incredibly, and dearly.


Till next time, Adios Mama G. Mi mama Joyce me cuidara bien para que pueda volver pronto. Te amo muchisimo. Con todo mi corazon. Con todo de mi Esparanza. Un regalo de mi Mama Joyce para ti. Besos

My Secret Santa Wish

Every year at my work, we do a secret Santa. This year I chose to do my wish differently. Sure, I could have asked for my normal wishes, lots and lots of Captain Marvel items. I mean.. if you know me... you know my car. Captain Marvel is pretty much all over my vehicle. I do lots of parades and charity events in this vehicle. My favorite charity event was for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Seeing the childs face when he got to sit in my car brought many happy feelings. Life always feels better when you bring happiness to someone else's life.

Taylor Truck Line also does events and loves to share the love at Christmas time by presenting gifts to families in need. I donated what I could and I'm so excited for them to open their gifts and feel ... loved. So when it came time to put in my 3 wishes for the secret santa... it took me 2 seconds to know what I was going to ask for.

Donations to Connecting Roots Non-profit.

But, Ana-Maria.... its ok to ask for gifts for yourself... ---- yes, yes it is... and this year, I just want to go see my birth mom, finally. I just want to hug her and tell her that I have the best life with my Minnesota family. She may have been forced to give me up ... but it was so worth it for me.

__________________________________________

THE STORY
Tyler Graf
Born in Temuco, Chile in the 1980s, Graf was adopted as a newborn by a loving American family from Minnesota. He had a wonderful childhood, and his family was always open with him about his adoption and Chilean roots. He occasionally wondered about his birth family, but never questioned his adoptive family's bond.


Today, Graf lives in the Houston area and is happily married with a son of his own. He has served as a firefighter for the Houston Fire Department since 2009. In 2012, destiny gave him an opportunity to connect to his Chilean roots. During a week-long specialized training session offered by the department to foreign firefighters, Graf met members of the Fire Engine 20 Department of Santiago, Chile. He was excited to meet the team and assist as they trained in techniques to combat high-rise fires. As Graf became acquainted with one Chilean fireman, Juan Luis, he shared what he knew about his adoption.

When Juan Luis returned to Santiago, he began searching for resources to help Graf learn more about his adoption. As time passed, however, it seemed as though the search had come up empty handed. Then, nearly 10 years later, Graf received a message from Juan Luis. The humanitarian non-profit organization, Hijos e Madres del Silencio, had located documents that linked Graf with his potential birth mother. After submitting additional adoption documents and DNA testing to confirm he and his mother's relation, the match was verified.

Graf learned that during the 1980s, while Chile was under the dictatorship of Augusto Pinochet (1973-1990), numerous human rights violations occurred. Masses of Chileans mysteriously disappeared; among these, an estimated 20,000 infants were stolen from their mothers, mostly from poverty-stricken areas. The children were then set up for adoption abroad. Temuco, where Graf had been born, had been an epicenter of the trafficking operation. His birth mother's story matches that of others of the time's she was told she must deliver by C-section, and when she came out of the anesthesia, she was informed her baby had not survived. The medical team claimed it would be too disturbing to see the infant, and she was quickly discharged. In truth, Graf was on his way to adoption.

As Graf's story circulated, he was contacted by local and international media who wanted to cover his story. They arranged for Graf to meet his mother and members of his biological family in the U.S. Today, he has the missing pieces of his past, including three biological sisters.

Knowing there are other Chilean adoptees within his age group who may have encountered the same fate, Graf founded Connecting Roots. His mission is to raise awareness of the 1980s trafficking scheme, to partner with non-profits like Hijos Y Madres Del Silencio (HMS) and Nos Buscamos, and offer free kits to accelerate DNA matching. He believes time is of the essence for each new search, as the process is lengthy and many of the mothers are now entering their elder years.

Tyler Graf continues to proudly serve the Houston Fire Department as he spearheads the mission of Connecting Roots.

With family and friends, he hopes the mission of the organization flourishes to unite as many Chilean families as possible.

_______________________________________________



Connecting Roots has finalized the list of attendees for the trip and a total of six (6) adoptees will be traveling with Connecting Roots to Chile in February 2025. Since all fundraising for the trip will come from media exposure, I have consented to share my story via social media and other forms of media publicity.

Connecting Roots has already arranged to have a journalist who plans on writing a story about the trip (that will travel with the adoptees from Houston to Santiago) and would like to speak with each adoptee. His name is David Kortova and he writes for The New Yorker and The Atavist magazine. There will also be local news media in Houston and Chilean news media at the airport in Santiago. Below are links to the media stories from the last trip:

1. This story is in Spanish but shows quite a few aspects of the trip, including footage prior to the trip, during the flight to Chile, reunions at the airport, and the following day: https://www.dw.com/es/de-nueva-york-a-santiago-de-chile-para-ver-a-sus-padres-biol%C3%B3gicos/video-68313027

2. This link has the live footage from Chilevision (a major news network in Chile) at the airport as each adoptee was reunited with their family. There are some commercials in between as it is quite long since it captured all four reunions, but it gives a good idea of how much media coverage to expect as you can see other cameras and reporters waiting in the background: https://www.chilevision.cl/noticias/nacional/chilenos-adoptados-de-forma-ilegal-durante-la-dictadura-retornan-desde

3. This is the link to The Guardian article that came out after the trip. I expect something similar to be written by David Kortova: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/apr/27/chile-forced-adoption-scandal

When we arrive in Chile…. we will be touring landmarks in Santiago and visiting the Museo de la Memoria (a museum dedicated to the memory of the coupe in 1974 and the years of dictatorship that followed). The museum is planning on opening an exhibit dedicated to the "stolen children of Chile" in April 2025. The plan is to have the stories of the adoptees that came on the prior two trips and this one, included in the exhibit.

Here is the link go the Group GoFundMe https://gofund.me/f5810c5b = This will go towards the whole Group. Thank you for donating and Thank you so much for caring.

I can't wait to share with all of you, what happens. Videos, Pictures, alllll of the things. Please share my story, please donate and please comment when you have donated so I can thank you personally!

I hope to raise $10,000 in my name.  Whatever not used for my portion of the trip will stay with Connecting Roots to help others locate their families.  I'm still working on setting up a gofundme specifically for me. As someone who was sold for money, it is extremely hard for me to ask for money for myself.  I've actually already been called selfish and unfriended by someone because they didn't understand my situation.  When I get the courage (hopefully soon) I'll set one up specifically for my portion of the trip. 

Thank you for Helping Join the Search!! 

 Rocio signing off
I'll be seeing you soon Mama G


Ana-Maria 

When will it be my turn?

 Hello Friends.

It's been many moons since I last wrote.  I write with good news and bad news.

Where do I start?

July 26th 1988

I was born to a young lady by the name of Guillermina.  Shortly after I was adopted by a sweet scandinavian couple from Minnesota.  Ron and Joyce.  They already had 4 children but decided that they wanted to add another one to the mix.  A jalapeno to the lutefisk meal.  Or as I liked to call myself, the Chilepepper.  I'm sure they weren't quite ready to admit that they needed some color to add to their blonde hair and blue eyed family, but they got it!  

I remember growing up and constantly being called dramatic, drama queen, wierd, strange, and one of the ones I hated... clingy.  Well.. being adopted and feeling like your own birth mom rejected you, I'm sure you guys can all imagine why that word filled me with sadness and anger.  I remember sitting in the driveway at a very young age wondering... when will anyone be thankful for me?  WHEN WILL I GET MY TURN to feel accepted and completely loved?

These feelings have already been talked about in my previous posts so if you missed it... let me sum it up.

I hated myself growing up.  I was different. I didn't belong in my scandinavian family.  Thus I developed depression and often thought how peaceful death would be.  THANKFULLY I never gave in to those feelings.  My adopted parents were amazing and made sure I was taken care of physically and ensured I was educated and real durn smart.  I got myself an edumication!  (spelling mistake was on purpose ahaha!)  

I did get through those feelings and I'm so much happier now. YYAYAYAYYA!  

but... the thought still comes across my mind a lot.  WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?   This time the question is about being able to meet my birth mom in person and hug her. 

Here comes the good news.  February 2025 I have the opportunity to go meet her.  I GET TO MEET MY MOM.  Connecting Roots is coordinating a trip with a few adoptees and family members to fly to Chile to meet our parents.  However... the bad news.  It will cost us a lot of money to make the trip.  Connecting Roots is a Nonprofit and only operates because of people like you who enjoy bringing/gifting happiness to others.  

Several other adoptees have been able to raise all the funds they needed for their trips to Chile and now its my turn..... but, do I deserve to go?  

I hate asking for money. I feel so quilty.  There are so many other deserving people in the world who need money and maybe they need it more than me. Maybe they deserve my own money, more than me.  I mean.. I was used to money in the first place... so why is it ok for me to ask for money for me?  I was sold... when do I get my money back??  

WHEN IS IT MY TURN?

1988... i was sold as part of a giant child trafficking ring in Chile.  I want to meet my mom. I want to be able to see her.  IS IT MY TURN?  

I hope so.  Please donate do Connecting Roots in my name and because I think Santa says its ok to ask for it to be my turn.  I hope to raise at least $10,000 for our trip to Chile.  Please help me get my wish.  The only wish I have ever wanted in my entire life.  To meet my mom.

Here is the link - I will be starting a GoFundMe page so that hopefully... I can finally say... It's my turn.  Thank you in advance for sharing my story and I promise... you wont regret it.

https://www.connecting-roots.com/donation/

Mother's Day

There were about 4.5 million adopted children in the United States, in 2010.  This amount includes children that are adopted by step parents and relatives. In 2022, there were only 1,517 children adopted from other countries.  From the years of 2004 to 2022, International adoptions DROPPED 93%. * Why? Why the drop?

As someone who was adopted from an international country I would love to know that answer.  Could it be recent events that prevented that? Covid? International wars?  Are there americans in the country that because of certain political events no longer want to adopt internationally for fear of possible racism? possible judgement?  Who knows.

In all honesty, it shouldn't matter the reason, but you really can't help but wonder. 

Lets go back to that giant number of 4.5 million.  (I'm sure that number has changed since 2010)  That's 4.5 million mothers who gave up their children. Whatever their reasons were... there comes a day during the year that can either bring happiness or pain to them.  There are plenty of facebook groups for adoptees and parents to find comfort when that day rolls around.  

That day is MOTHER'S DAY.  

Wikipedia says "Mother's Day is a celebration honoring the mother of the family or individual, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society. It is celebrated on different days in many parts of the world, most commonly in March or May."

Growing up, our church celebrated Mother's as well as all women.  I always admired that.  I also wondered why they had all the women even us kiddos stand up.  I think it was because at some point we would all raise children, whether they were ours or not. Our church did the same for Fathers.  But I digress.

I had no idea... that Mother's day could in fact be a day of sadness for the children that were adopted.  It just never seemed to come into my brain that I was without my birth mom.  My adopted mother, Joyce, has and always will be a significant person in my life.  Whether we got along or not.  She was and is my mother.  She was the one who changed my diaper, she was the one that spanked me when I was naughty, she was the one who MADE me practice the piano when I didn't want to and she was the one who, helped mold me into the women who I am today.  (yes My daddy, Ronald, did as well but the topic is Mother's... he gets his time later)  I NEVER once thought, "I am missing my birth mom and therefore I am sad."  It never clicked that Joyce was NOT my birth mom.  Yes, I knew she wasn't my birth mom, but it didn't FEEL like she was NOT my birth mom.  So to see facebook groups for adoptees to talk and share feelings about being abandoned on Mother's day... was almost shocking to me.  

That means in 2010, 4.5 million kids... a majority of them did NOT have a good Mother's day. 4.5 million mothers... did NOT have a good Mother's day. I like to think that there was a portion of that number of kids and Mother's experienced life like I did.  Where we felt loved and taken care of.  That we felt included and we felt that our adoptive mothers were ours. My neighbor Oliver was also adopted the same year I was and is also from Santiago, Chile.  I always felt so lucky that he grew up down the street.  My Chilean brother.  I wonder, if he felt as I did.  I will have to ask him the next time I see him.  

Did that thought ever come to your mind? Could Mother's day actually be a day of sadness to Adoptees and Mothers?  

The thought that DID cross my mind as I was growing up was, I hope my birth mom is ok.  In my 20s she became a more prominent figure in my thoughts. What was she doing?  Was she ok? Did She have more kids? Was Mother's day good for her?  Did she miss me?  I've touched this subject before in my previous blogs... why? Why did she do it?

Well.... 2024 Mother's day hit differently for me.  I got to celebrate BOTH my birth mom and my mom.  Guillermina and Joyce.  I no longer think of it as... I am without my mom but I am blessed to have TWO moms.  God thought to himself... This kid.. Ana-Maria is going to be crazy and is going to need 2 moms.  ahahaha!!  That's unfortunately... a very likely thought.  I am wacko. I blame ADHD.   Which I found out... runs in the family.  My older brother Miguel and my little brother Luis also have it.  I would not be surprised if Victoria and Catalina had it as well.  (((but they know how to manage it so much better than i do ahaha!)))

This Mother's day, I got to see pictures of my Chilean family and be with my Scadinavian family.  I get to see "Who" I look like and "Who" I act like. Blessed.  Two mommies.  I am sooooo lucky.  I am so thankful that I have come to this point in my mental journey to FEEL this thankful.  I hope that all those adopted children get to this point.  I hope your heart, feels blessed.  I hope your heart feels forgiveness AND thankfulness.  Cause this feeling, is sooooo worth it. This feeling called, Joy.  

JOY means being happy when the good things happen and hope when the bad things happen.  Is it a coincidence that my mom's name is JOYce, which means JOYOUS?  Is it a coincidence that my birth mom's name is Guillermina and means SENSITIVE and charming?  All components that are found in Joy?  WhAt A cOiNkIdInK!!!

As I celebrate my first Mother's day to my stepdaughter... my wish is... that all adopted children and their mother's find peace and joy.  We are lucky, because if you think about it... we were all given second chances to live and GET to celebrate two mom's. I hope they find JOY.

Till next time,

BYE!

Ana-Maria - Rocio Carolina

p.s.  I have 2 more siblings and a birth father to find.  My sister... is somewhere in the US.  Where could she be?

Please don't forget to donate to Connecting Roots, so that we can continue the search for our other siblings and so that other Chilean Adoptees can find their families.  Another trip is planned to Chile this coming year to connect chilean adoptees with their families.  They hope to cover the whole trip for the chilean adoptees.  However they cannot do it without your generous donations.

*https://www.connecting-roots.com/donation/*

sources.

*https://adoptionnetwork.com/adoption-myths-facts/domestic-us-statistics/#:~:text=There%20are%20about%204.5%20million,by%20relatives%20or%20a%20stepparent.

*https://usafacts.org/articles/where-do-international-adoptees-come-from/

*https://www.thebump.com/b/joyce-baby-name

*https://mylofamily.com/parenting/babynames/meaning-of-guillermina-33015

Rocio Carolina

Mark

 This is going to be one of those posts that may need a WARNING LABEL.

From what I've seen on Facebook, many people are starting to put "Trigger warning" above posts just in case someone gets triggered.  For those of you who don't know what that may mean, it basically means.... Prepare yourselves!  or as they say in Pirates of Caribbean "Batten down the hatches!"

I do need to preface this with.... Adoptions are wonderful.  It offers children a chance at a  new life with parents that can provide for them.   I am forever grateful to my Minnesota parents for raising me as their own and teaching me good principles.

However, many people forget that.... there is a cost to this.  An unspoken topic.  Even now, I'm having a hard time typing the words I mean to say.  

There is a bond between mother and child that becomes broken with adoptions.  That broken bond can be best summed up as "abandonment."  How do adoptees deal with this feeling??? Most are brought up in familes that are able to help heal that broken bond but there are others that aren't helped.  The word I'm trying to say is Suicide.

It's a dark word.  The planned intent to end ones life.  Did you know that Adoptee's deal with this all the time???  The thoughts are there.  Why did my parents abondon me?  Why doesn't my new family love me like their other children? Many would say to them.... "but they do love you, they chose to raise you as their own!" As one who has been adopted.... you can tell us that until you are blue in your face.... but that sense of abandonment never actually goes away. 

So to help the world realize that.... this is a real thing.... October 30th is Adoptee Remembrance day.  This national holiday actually raises public awareness of crimes against adoptees by adoptive parents AND it allows us to honor our loved ones who could not battle the evil that invades their minds.

This really needs to be spoken about.  

So in honor of not only my adoption but also in honor of our close friend Mark Hoffman.... I present to you ADOPTEE REMEMBRANCE DAY.

https://adopteeremembranceday.com/what-is-adoptee-remembrance-day-october-30th/#:~:text=Adoptee%20Remembrance%20Day%20%E2%80%93%20October%2030th,current%20media%20does%20not%20recognize.

Please copy this link into your web browser and read about this day.  It is important.  It exists for a reason.  

Mark was a great friend to all.  We first met him in the car world.  His smile was infectious and his superior happiness radiated from him all the time.  His hugs were so welcoming and safe that I always looked forward to his hugs.  This man, was one of the greatest men that I ever met.  He was adopted.  I believe his brother was as well.  We had no idea that he was hurting.  I knew him for maybe..... 5 years before his passing.  He worked hard and worked harder helping others smile.  His picture now sits proudly in our dining room area so that we can remember him.  Gone too soon.  According to his girlfriend at the time, he never felt good enough or that anyone actually wanted him.  An all too familiar feeling.......

Adoptee Remembrance day opens up the conversation of families that lost children to adoption.  For example.... my situation.  My mom was forced to give me up and suddenly, I was gone, never to be seen again.  35 years later I search for her in hopes of providing her closure.  To let her know that... It was worth it.  Mi Papa y Mi Moma aqui en Minnesota... son perfecto! (My parents in Minnesota are perfect!)

So how can you help bring awareness to this topic???  

1. Wear Yellow - the color chosen to symbolize the adoptees we lost

2. Use hashtags - #adopteesconnect #adopteeremembranceday and #adopteesweremember

3. Read adoptee books

4. A moment of Silence - Adoptess are 4x more likely to attempt suicide than non-adopted inviduals.

5. Keep Memories Alive

6. Wear a Yellow Flower

7. Share a Tribute

8. Have a Ceremonial Bonfire

9. Events

10.  copy that link I provided and read the article.... There are tons of other ideas that you can do to honor Adoptee Remembrance Day.

11.  You can also donate to Connecting Roots so that they can help lots of other adoptees reconnect with their families.

***********************************************************************

This was a hard post for me to write.  I have been putting it off for weeks.  October 30th has passed this year, but please remember it next year.  If you know someone who is adopted... please, in honor of Mark, ask if you can give them a hug and tell them that they matter.   If any of them are struggling with the idea of reaching out to parents that have given them up.... hold them tighter.  It hurts.  I know. I've battled that demon already.  It doesn't mean I don't still feel abandoned, I'm sure I will have to deal with that my whole life.... but finding my mom will help.  I know it.

**********************************************************************

Never fear though... I have good news.  My DNA test is complete.  

MyHeritage has confirmed that my sister Victoria.... is officially.... MY BIOLOGICAL SISTER.  I have a sister... who looks a little like me. Finally. 

I'm that much closer to confirming that.... Guillermina is my mom.

Hola Momma, Te amo mucho.  

Adios

Ana-Maria - Rocio Carolina

The Chilean Exchange Student

 Minnehaha Academy 2005.  I began my senior year of Highschool.  We had lots of new students at my school.  One of them was an exchange student from Santiago, Chile.  He was the coolest and funniest guy.  His english was actually pretty good, but he wasn't totally aware of how to properly use any "slang" words or fun phrases.  Like, "Bees knees" and "don't be square."  Which at the time, were super outdated but we did enjoy springing them on him so he would be very, very confused.  He probably learned a lot of other not so useful words but we aren't going to talk about those ones right now. 

When I told him I was adopted from the same town that he was from, he got so excited!  He proceeded to show me pictures and tell me all about all the fun things he did there.  I always thought it was interesting that we had the same skin tone.  The neighbor boy I grew up next to was also adopted from Chile but his skin tone was much darker.  I always wondered why the heck we were so different.  Oliver was my "brother" from Chile my whole life though.  I nicknamed him the Chile bean and I was the Chilipepper. So seeing the exhange student with the same skin tone as me made me feel included.  (Growing up lots of kids didn't believe that I was from South America if I stood next to Oliver.  They always assumed "spanish" people were all dark skinned.) 

This reminds me of a few funny stories where I was stereotyped as something other than who I was.  I remember in College, a coworker once thought I was chinese.  huh?  OR my absolute favorite, I lived in Augusta, GA for a small amount of time in my twenties and my coworkers there asked where I was from and I said MINNESOTA!  They shared looks between themselves and then in a southern accent said, "I don't believe you, you don't have blonde hair or have blue eyes!"  (((This was said by my Assistant manager who was a Jehovah's Witness and a POC))  Yes, I did need to share that information.  That's what makes it so funny.  Don't worry, I had great respect with all my coworkers, still do!  Hi momma EVA!

Pablo, the exchange student was the one who actually made me really want to dig deeper into finding my birth family.  He made life sound so exciting and I just wanted to let my birth family know that all was well.  It wasn't long after that, that I went into my room where my Adopted mom put my baby stuff and I found the album she had put together.  There it was. My birth moms name.  Guillermina.  A long with all the other names that spanish people have.  The name, made her real.  Obviously, she is, but knowing the name made me want to google her on the internet and see if I could find her.  I think at the time Facebook had just been released.  AND facebook was only for college students! So I waited until I graduated highschool to create a profile.  

At that time, my adopted parents were going to gift me a trip to Chile to see where I was from.  But the idea scared me.  I wasn't ready.  I ended up choosing Spain and England instead to study for college.  My passport had stamps for lots of places but not Chile.

Fast forward to 2023.  My passport was lost and definitely expired.  I had already been married once and changed my name.  Our honeymoon at that time was to Hawaii so a passport wasn't needed.  Then divorced and changed my name again.  June 10th, 2023 I finally marry the Man of my dreams.  The real one. The real soulmate.  I go to change my name again.... and.... I am being told I'm not a citizen.

Excuse me?  Not an American Citizen?  I've owned a house, owned a car, been married and divorced.  Even changed my name twice.  Ive had 2 passport cards.  How am I NOT a citizen.  After 4 trips to the Social Security office, I decided it was finally time to find my birth mom. 

On September 26th, 2023 I had a phone call with Connecting Roots.  I provided them with the information that I had from my legal adoption.  She was able to confirm, I was still a confirmed citizen in Chile and I had never left the country.  This was obiously not true.  Thus began my case to one, find my birth mom and two, to figure out how the US failed to acknowledge my legal adoption in the US and have me as a citizen. 

Apparently, this is a common thing for children adopted from ouside of the US.  So all y'all adoptees... check your citizenship. Highlight and copy the below link to get to the article about adoptees and their citizenships.

https://www.usatoday.com/in-depth/news/investigations/2020/12/16/international-adoption-does-not-guarantee-adoptees-us-citizenship/6310358002/

...... 

Friday, September 29th, 2023 shortly after 7pm.  I received news about my case.  THEY FOUND MY BIRTH MOM.  GUILLERMINA EXISTS!  She is alive and well.  She was indeed forced into giving me up.  For money.  I grieve for her pain.  35 years later... She finally heard the words that her baby daughter was looking for her. I was able to give her a great gift. The gift of forgiveness and understanding.  A talent not many have but I was taught by my adopted parents Ron and Joyce.

On top of that, I have 4 siblings.  Two sisters and two brothers.  I am the second oldest. It has been 2 and a half weeks since I received those amazing words.  We are now waiting for the DNA tests to confirm that the Guillermina they found, is indeed my birth mom.  The pictures they gave me were proof enough for me, so the DNA test results will just be icing on the cake.  When it is confirmed, I'll finally get to have a video chat with my birth mom.  

Is there a chance it isn't my birth mom? yes.  Babies could have been switched at birth.  

The next 3 weeks... are gonna be awful.  

Guillermina, I can't wait to talk to you soon.  

Yours Truly,

Ana-Maria (Rocio Carolina) 

The "W"s

One of the first things I really want to discuss with everyone in this entry, are all the "W"s of my search.  Why would you want to find your mom now, after all these years?  Why didn't you do this before?  What do you think your adopted family will think?  Won't they feel like they are being replaced?  Who do you think you are just going and looking for your mom when you have a perfectly good mother here?  What the heck are you thinking???? What if all they want is your money?  WHAT IF YOUR BIRTH MOM DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT YOU?!?!?

First off, that is a whole heck of a lot of negative questions. 

and YES.... I was asked those questions.

Isn't it funny how our brains are wired to think negatively??  Honestly, I feel like each one of us really needs to look deep inside ourselves and ask "why am I not excited or happy for her?"  or "Why can't I just enjoy the process with her?"  or my favorite "Why am I so negative?"

Honestly, I've been there. I've had that negative thought process before.  My goodness.  I used to fill up with jealousy when I saw other happy children with their birth moms.  I used to cry myself to sleep with thoughts of other siblings being so close to each other.  Jeepers.  Life really does suck when you don't know how to manage your inner demons.

If I remember correctly, Adventures in Odyssey does an episode on this topic.  Its a very good episode.  "Episode #169 : Hold up!!"  (https://app.adventuresinodyssey.com/episodes)  It explains the pros and cons of positive thinking and trust.  This episode has always stuck with me and actually helped shape my thought process even now.  Again.... proof that kids will carry what they hear with them their whole life.  So what are you saying around them??  

Lets get down to the nitty gritty..... Why.

I have always wanted to know why she let me go.  I've replaid this conversation in my head several times.  I used to get mad and want to yell angrily at her.  But over the years, I finally figured out exactly what I'm gonna say.  Guess what, it's not negative. HA! I WIN!

I want to tell her how much my adopted parents love me.  How they protected me and kept me safe. How they taught me to love everyone and accept them for who they are and not for what they look like.  They taught me to be patient and kind.  Oh and most importantly.... I can see because they got me glasses and my teeth aren't entirely crooked because they got my braces and I'm not DEAF, because they paid for my ear surgeries.  They have cared for me as if I was their own flesh and blood.  Because of this, I always see the good in others and try to be genuinely happy all the time.  Laughing is my favorite.  They were there for me when I cried at home when I overheard my friends calling me "strange" and "wierd."  They listened when I cried when I saw all the other kids wear name brand clothes but they got me hand me downs because it saved money.  They embraced me with love when I was hurt from my first marriage to an abuser and rejoiced when I recently married the man of my dreams on June 10th.  They taught me how to stand up for what I believe in even if others don't agree and how to be friends properly with someone whose beliefs are completely opposite of my own.  The only thing they didn't successfully instill inside my brain is my ability to clean.... and manage money.  WHOOPS.   Apparently, thats a common thing in people with ADHD.... but I digress.

The point is.  My papasito and my mom (adopted parents) are my parents. They raised me and they will NEVER be replaced.  

Now to the topic of my adopted siblings.  They are pretty cool.  I have 4 adopted siblings.  3 brothers and 1 sister.  We are spread apart in our ages over many years. Some of their birthdays are coming up so here are their ages as I remember right now.  Forgive me siblings if I'm off.  Brother 59, Brother 57, Sister 55, Brother 39 and me 35. I love each one of them.  They have all been good role models for me in various parts of my life.  My greatest compliment actually came from my oldest brother.  He told my husband that we are "very mature within our relationship."  HUZZAAHHH!!!!   We weren't even married yet!   

So, Why am I looking? Because I can.  Because I want to know who I look like.  Because what if I have a twin?  Because I don't know my health history and it'd be nice to actually answer the doctors question "Do you know your family health history?" with something other than "I'm adopted."  Because I have this urge inside me that keeps telling me I'm incomplete.  Could it be my own birth mom calling to me?  

That's why.  oh. and. It would be nice to not be the shortest in the family.  ahaha!

Here's to finding my mom.  

Guillermina, I will find you.

Stolen Honey

Ana-Maria (Rocia Carolina)

I've always known

 I have always known that I was adopted, it was very obvious within my adopted family.  My adopted family, The Halverson's, are descendants from Norway and Sweden.  Meaning, we are very Scandinavian.   Growing up, we celebrated our heritage and celebrated holidays with very scandinavian twists.  I mean, who doesn't celebrate Christmas with some herring and lutefisk.  Well, my adopted father does enjoy a good Lutefisk meal.  As far as I know he still goes to Lutefisk dinners at our church.  

Another highly obvious factor for my adoption was the fact that all my siblings either had blonde or light brown hair.  I have dark brown hair.  It is often confused for black.  But this didn't stop my parents from making sure that I knew I was adopted.  It was never a secret.  They even took videos of their trip to Chile to pick me up.  As a toddler I remember watching those vides on VHS often.  I was so curious to see if I saw my mom.  That was a such a great gift that my adopted parents gave me.  I am forever grateful for that.  That's probably a HUGE reason why I really enjoy filming videos now.  

When it came time for my mom and dad here to enroll me in school, they chose to enroll me at Adam's Spanish Immersion School in St. Paul, MN.  Where I become fluent in my native language.  I was very proud of that, but also highly nervous whenever my adopted family asked me to show off to friends and other native spanish speakers.  I was very shy.  Now that I'm older and in my 30s.... LET ME SPEAK SPANISH.  Isn't that interesting how that works? I'm not as fluent as I used to be but I know enough to understand and hear other spanish speakers.  It's actually entertaining to have people stereotype me as a scandinavian white lady and hear them talk crap about me in spanish.... and yet, I understand everything.   The looks I get when I reply to them is very satisfying.  This is ALSO a great example to stop judging people based off of how a person looks.

I was in highschool when the urge to find my birth parents really began to show.  I was so intrigued by how my nieces and nephews looked so much like my siblings that it cause me to ask "Who do I look most like? my mom? my dad?"  Let's be honest as well, blood does usually cause family members to be closer to each other.  Especially in a healthy non-toxic family.  (That was one amazing gift my adopted parents gave all of their kids, adopted or not) My sister is also adopted but not from Chile, and she blends really well with my siblings.  Very Scandinavian looking as well.  But my sister and I always felt, left out.  It was never the intention by my family but it just happened.  Brothers would show up for each other but I would sit at my orchestra concerts with no siblings to cheer me on.  I remember the one time my older brother Peter showed up to my concert.  I was so happy to see him.  Even if it was just to see him peak in through the doorway and then leave.  I don't remember what else was going on that evening but I do remember wishing they could have just sat down and heard me play.  This is also proof that children pay attention to who shows up and who doesn't.  

It was because of those several times that they failed to show up for me that I asked myself frequently, "would my birth family show up? Would they have supported me?"  It was within these questions where the negative feelings really attacked me.  I was showered with shame and depression in my highschool years.  Why wasn't I loved like my adopted siblings?  Why didn't they care about me?  Depression raged within me.  I just wanted to feel wanted.  

Fast forward to college, I chose to stay near home.  My college was only 8 minutes away from my parents.  I loved it.  I could rush home to my daddy whenever.  I was a daddy's girl growing up and I love him with all my heart.  He is and will always be my First and primary idol.  The first example of what love is.  He loved my mom so much and still loved her after every fight.  He traveled a lot when I was little and when he would leave our neighborhood he would always step on his brake lights twice to show me that he loved me.  It was our thing.  Not to mention we had what I called a "lap" which was me basically kissing him all over his face, like a circle or a race track!!  

This didn't deter my fear of... being abandoned.  Not wanted.  My college roommates were worried for me and I was required to attend school counseling.  I really didn't take it seriously like I should have then.  As a middle aged woman now, I LOVE counseling and think it is the BEST thing for ANYONE to do.  There is no shame in counseling.  It is NO different than having a coach for a sport.  This is just a coach for your life!  

What I'm trying to say is that because of my adoption situation, I developed depression and anxiety.  This constant feeling of, I'm not good enough.  Am I thankful for my life?  HELL YES.  1,0000000000 times thankful.  Adoption is GREAT.  Parents who adopt are Heroes in my eyes, because they chose to raise someone elses child.  They don't have to, but they do.  My parents, did that twice.  My sister, Nancy, and I are forever grateful.  I know I speak for both of us when I say, we love them with every feeling we have.  

Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Halverson for raising us.  Thank you for instilling the desire to know the truth and bring honesty to others.  It is through this teaching that I began my search to find my birth mom.  

Fast Forward to 2023.  When I found out that under Pinochet's ruling in Chile, several thousands of babies were taken from their parents either by force or by other means.  These babies were born between the years of 1970 through 1990.  I was born in 1988.  

Was I stolen? Was my birth mother forced?  Does she know I still exist?

Those three questions are what drove me like a wildfire and brought me to this week.  Tuesday.  Where I heard words over the phone, "According to this, you have never left Chile. "  

*gasp* oh. mah. gosh.

What happened?!?  Why?

-Stolen Honey

Ana-Maria (Rocio Carolina)