The "W"s

One of the first things I really want to discuss with everyone in this entry, are all the "W"s of my search.  Why would you want to find your mom now, after all these years?  Why didn't you do this before?  What do you think your adopted family will think?  Won't they feel like they are being replaced?  Who do you think you are just going and looking for your mom when you have a perfectly good mother here?  What the heck are you thinking???? What if all they want is your money?  WHAT IF YOUR BIRTH MOM DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT YOU?!?!?

First off, that is a whole heck of a lot of negative questions. 

and YES.... I was asked those questions.

Isn't it funny how our brains are wired to think negatively??  Honestly, I feel like each one of us really needs to look deep inside ourselves and ask "why am I not excited or happy for her?"  or "Why can't I just enjoy the process with her?"  or my favorite "Why am I so negative?"

Honestly, I've been there. I've had that negative thought process before.  My goodness.  I used to fill up with jealousy when I saw other happy children with their birth moms.  I used to cry myself to sleep with thoughts of other siblings being so close to each other.  Jeepers.  Life really does suck when you don't know how to manage your inner demons.

If I remember correctly, Adventures in Odyssey does an episode on this topic.  Its a very good episode.  "Episode #169 : Hold up!!"  (https://app.adventuresinodyssey.com/episodes)  It explains the pros and cons of positive thinking and trust.  This episode has always stuck with me and actually helped shape my thought process even now.  Again.... proof that kids will carry what they hear with them their whole life.  So what are you saying around them??  

Lets get down to the nitty gritty..... Why.

I have always wanted to know why she let me go.  I've replaid this conversation in my head several times.  I used to get mad and want to yell angrily at her.  But over the years, I finally figured out exactly what I'm gonna say.  Guess what, it's not negative. HA! I WIN!

I want to tell her how much my adopted parents love me.  How they protected me and kept me safe. How they taught me to love everyone and accept them for who they are and not for what they look like.  They taught me to be patient and kind.  Oh and most importantly.... I can see because they got me glasses and my teeth aren't entirely crooked because they got my braces and I'm not DEAF, because they paid for my ear surgeries.  They have cared for me as if I was their own flesh and blood.  Because of this, I always see the good in others and try to be genuinely happy all the time.  Laughing is my favorite.  They were there for me when I cried at home when I overheard my friends calling me "strange" and "wierd."  They listened when I cried when I saw all the other kids wear name brand clothes but they got me hand me downs because it saved money.  They embraced me with love when I was hurt from my first marriage to an abuser and rejoiced when I recently married the man of my dreams on June 10th.  They taught me how to stand up for what I believe in even if others don't agree and how to be friends properly with someone whose beliefs are completely opposite of my own.  The only thing they didn't successfully instill inside my brain is my ability to clean.... and manage money.  WHOOPS.   Apparently, thats a common thing in people with ADHD.... but I digress.

The point is.  My papasito and my mom (adopted parents) are my parents. They raised me and they will NEVER be replaced.  

Now to the topic of my adopted siblings.  They are pretty cool.  I have 4 adopted siblings.  3 brothers and 1 sister.  We are spread apart in our ages over many years. Some of their birthdays are coming up so here are their ages as I remember right now.  Forgive me siblings if I'm off.  Brother 59, Brother 57, Sister 55, Brother 39 and me 35. I love each one of them.  They have all been good role models for me in various parts of my life.  My greatest compliment actually came from my oldest brother.  He told my husband that we are "very mature within our relationship."  HUZZAAHHH!!!!   We weren't even married yet!   

So, Why am I looking? Because I can.  Because I want to know who I look like.  Because what if I have a twin?  Because I don't know my health history and it'd be nice to actually answer the doctors question "Do you know your family health history?" with something other than "I'm adopted."  Because I have this urge inside me that keeps telling me I'm incomplete.  Could it be my own birth mom calling to me?  

That's why.  oh. and. It would be nice to not be the shortest in the family.  ahaha!

Here's to finding my mom.  

Guillermina, I will find you.

Stolen Honey

Ana-Maria (Rocia Carolina)