Mama, Do you love me?

Joyce

My mommy.  My Halverson Mommy.  The best mom that chose to love me.  Mi Mama.

My Mom and Dad adopted me shortly after I was born.  They flew down to Santiago, Chile to pick me up and take me home to be theirs.  They chose me.  

I remember watching the home videos that my dad took while in Chile and when I was placed into his arms he said "She is like a little present."  Actually now that I think about it, that might have been my mom who said that.  I'll have to find that home video and find out for sure.  But I remember the look on his face.  I remember the love in my moms voice and the video shows how she glowed walking off the plane, onto the runway and into the airport lobby where my siblings were waiting.  

The way her eyes crinkled when she smiled and the way her mouth turned up at the edges while she held me and the noticable sniff and rub of the nose she does when she is happy, was very obvious in that home video.  I wasn't old enough then to remember that, but it's clear when you watch the video that she is proud.  I am her daughter. 

Mama Joyce, raised me for 36 years.  Yes, I just laughed right now because yes, she is still raising me.  I will never stop learning from my mom and my dad until I can no longer learn anything else.  She loved me in such a way that I'm sure most dont understand.  I would imagine its very similar to loving a stepchild.  Except She didn't have to worry about all the added extras that come along with being a stepparent.  That is a totally different topic and one that I'm learning currently.  

One of the memories I have of my mom is when she would read me the book "Mama, do you love me?"  I think it was a frequent choice of mine when I was a tiny tot, because to this day, I do not need to know if she loves me.  I just know. She doesn't even have to say "I Love you" I just know.   She was always on my case though.  ANA... clean your room.  ANA... pick up your clothes.  ANA... wake up.  ANA... STOP READING ON THE TOILET.

bhahahahhaha.  Yes, I was that kid.  I had a book I would read in the bathroom.  Which now has been changed to a phone and the voice I hear is actually my husbands.  STOP PLAYING ON YOUR PHONE.  ope.  oopsie.  my bad.  Unfortunately, the cleaning.... hasn't gotten much better... its just mostly in the closet and possibly a few items leaking out onto the bedroom floor... ok maybe like a whole outfit or two... 

Which APPARENTLY.... is 2 big signs of ADHD.  Did you know that? I didn't. Until I insisted on being tested for ADHD 2 years ago.  I just had this feeling that my Anxiety and Depression wasn't entirely due to my abusive ex.  Guess what... I passed with flying colors, This girl has ADHD. 

Mommy Joyce, still doesn't quiet agree with the diagnoses but I'm sure now after 2 years with me being medicated, she can tell a difference.  I actually can listen to her advise and not feel like I failed a test.  Did you also know that people with ADHD constantly feel like a failure?  WAHHH?!?!  yeah, me neither.  RSD actually goes hand in hand with ADHD.   

So here's a tip.... Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria 

"is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations." 

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/?srsltid=AfmBOorbC9NgFZ_XTcEVjC5b96gIMvvREbXL-Ewf1rSYtfB7aLNV36Kt

Which basically means... if we think about a moment too long... if we think about the tone you used, the words you used, the way you sighed, the way you folded your hands, the way you might not have put down your phone, the way you didn't come visit when you drove by to visit your other child... if we think about those moments too long... we immediately get triggered.

 "When this emotional response is internalized (and it often is for people with RSD), it can imitate a full, major mood disorder complete with suicidal ideation. The sudden change from feeling perfectly fine to feeling intensely sad that results from RSD is often misdiagnosed as rapid cycling mood disorder."  (same article)  

That means... if you know someone with ADHD... they are going to need to be encouraged verbally way more often than someone without ADHD would need. Thusly... I had depression and anxiety way before my exhusband and it only worsened afterwards. I'm so proud of myself for finally listening to my friend Sarah (who I havent seen or spoken to in several years) and went to the doctor. She is the reason I was able to get up that next day and started protecting my mind. I'll be forever grateful for that.


I do however wish, I had insisted on getting diagnosed as a younger kid because I would have probably far exceeding my brother Peters grades. mwahahaha! At least I like to imagine that would be the case. Peter is an amazing person and an equally loving father to his 3 kids and caring husband to his wife. He is one of my role models.


But maybe thats why my mom would read me that book so often. "Mama, Do you love me?" Yes, I do, dear one. She would recite outloud to me.


My mom Joyce gave me a great gift, the gift of love. (Obviously, so did my dad but he can have his own entry soon.) She raised me to love others just the way I would want to be loved. In turn she prepared me to love my birth mom. She didn't know it but she taught me to love Mama G.


February 22nd 2025.
I was finally reunited with my birth mom. I cried and cried and cried. She was much shorter than me but I didn't care. I felt like I was a little kid again and my mom was holding me. Finally. I felt that feeling that everyone else would talk about. The feeling that I belong. The feeling of everlasting love. The feeling that my Mom Joyce taught to me through her actions and through her love of Jesus. If I could describe that love in one word it would be, Hope.


Hope. When all else fails, there is always Hope. Honestly... maybe the correct question wouldn't be "Mama, Do you love me?" It would be "Mom, do you have hope for me?" Because, Mama Joyce does. I know she does, without a doubt.


When we finally left Chile (don't worry, I'll talk about it more later), I cried on my Mama G's shoulder. I said to her in my best spanish, "I'm sad to leave you mom, because the first time I didn't have a choice, but now I do have a choice. I dont want to leave. I want to stay with you. But, I know that I have the best Mommy and Daddy waiting for me at home. They taught me to love you and I can't wait for you to meet them."


Mama G said to me "I love you very much and I love your parents. Please tell them thank you for raising you to be caring to others and be a good girl and behave." ahaha. I wiped a tear off my cheek chuckling. She's the best.


Mama, do you love me?


Sipo, yes, incredibly, and dearly.


Till next time, Adios Mama G. Mi mama Joyce me cuidara bien para que pueda volver pronto. Te amo muchisimo. Con todo mi corazon. Con todo de mi Esparanza. Un regalo de mi Mama Joyce para ti. Besos

My Secret Santa Wish

Every year at my work, we do a secret Santa. This year I chose to do my wish differently. Sure, I could have asked for my normal wishes, lots and lots of Captain Marvel items. I mean.. if you know me... you know my car. Captain Marvel is pretty much all over my vehicle. I do lots of parades and charity events in this vehicle. My favorite charity event was for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Seeing the childs face when he got to sit in my car brought many happy feelings. Life always feels better when you bring happiness to someone else's life.

Taylor Truck Line also does events and loves to share the love at Christmas time by presenting gifts to families in need. I donated what I could and I'm so excited for them to open their gifts and feel ... loved. So when it came time to put in my 3 wishes for the secret santa... it took me 2 seconds to know what I was going to ask for.

Donations to Connecting Roots Non-profit.

But, Ana-Maria.... its ok to ask for gifts for yourself... ---- yes, yes it is... and this year, I just want to go see my birth mom, finally. I just want to hug her and tell her that I have the best life with my Minnesota family. She may have been forced to give me up ... but it was so worth it for me.

__________________________________________

THE STORY
Tyler Graf
Born in Temuco, Chile in the 1980s, Graf was adopted as a newborn by a loving American family from Minnesota. He had a wonderful childhood, and his family was always open with him about his adoption and Chilean roots. He occasionally wondered about his birth family, but never questioned his adoptive family's bond.


Today, Graf lives in the Houston area and is happily married with a son of his own. He has served as a firefighter for the Houston Fire Department since 2009. In 2012, destiny gave him an opportunity to connect to his Chilean roots. During a week-long specialized training session offered by the department to foreign firefighters, Graf met members of the Fire Engine 20 Department of Santiago, Chile. He was excited to meet the team and assist as they trained in techniques to combat high-rise fires. As Graf became acquainted with one Chilean fireman, Juan Luis, he shared what he knew about his adoption.

When Juan Luis returned to Santiago, he began searching for resources to help Graf learn more about his adoption. As time passed, however, it seemed as though the search had come up empty handed. Then, nearly 10 years later, Graf received a message from Juan Luis. The humanitarian non-profit organization, Hijos e Madres del Silencio, had located documents that linked Graf with his potential birth mother. After submitting additional adoption documents and DNA testing to confirm he and his mother's relation, the match was verified.

Graf learned that during the 1980s, while Chile was under the dictatorship of Augusto Pinochet (1973-1990), numerous human rights violations occurred. Masses of Chileans mysteriously disappeared; among these, an estimated 20,000 infants were stolen from their mothers, mostly from poverty-stricken areas. The children were then set up for adoption abroad. Temuco, where Graf had been born, had been an epicenter of the trafficking operation. His birth mother's story matches that of others of the time's she was told she must deliver by C-section, and when she came out of the anesthesia, she was informed her baby had not survived. The medical team claimed it would be too disturbing to see the infant, and she was quickly discharged. In truth, Graf was on his way to adoption.

As Graf's story circulated, he was contacted by local and international media who wanted to cover his story. They arranged for Graf to meet his mother and members of his biological family in the U.S. Today, he has the missing pieces of his past, including three biological sisters.

Knowing there are other Chilean adoptees within his age group who may have encountered the same fate, Graf founded Connecting Roots. His mission is to raise awareness of the 1980s trafficking scheme, to partner with non-profits like Hijos Y Madres Del Silencio (HMS) and Nos Buscamos, and offer free kits to accelerate DNA matching. He believes time is of the essence for each new search, as the process is lengthy and many of the mothers are now entering their elder years.

Tyler Graf continues to proudly serve the Houston Fire Department as he spearheads the mission of Connecting Roots.

With family and friends, he hopes the mission of the organization flourishes to unite as many Chilean families as possible.

_______________________________________________



Connecting Roots has finalized the list of attendees for the trip and a total of six (6) adoptees will be traveling with Connecting Roots to Chile in February 2025. Since all fundraising for the trip will come from media exposure, I have consented to share my story via social media and other forms of media publicity.

Connecting Roots has already arranged to have a journalist who plans on writing a story about the trip (that will travel with the adoptees from Houston to Santiago) and would like to speak with each adoptee. His name is David Kortova and he writes for The New Yorker and The Atavist magazine. There will also be local news media in Houston and Chilean news media at the airport in Santiago. Below are links to the media stories from the last trip:

1. This story is in Spanish but shows quite a few aspects of the trip, including footage prior to the trip, during the flight to Chile, reunions at the airport, and the following day: https://www.dw.com/es/de-nueva-york-a-santiago-de-chile-para-ver-a-sus-padres-biol%C3%B3gicos/video-68313027

2. This link has the live footage from Chilevision (a major news network in Chile) at the airport as each adoptee was reunited with their family. There are some commercials in between as it is quite long since it captured all four reunions, but it gives a good idea of how much media coverage to expect as you can see other cameras and reporters waiting in the background: https://www.chilevision.cl/noticias/nacional/chilenos-adoptados-de-forma-ilegal-durante-la-dictadura-retornan-desde

3. This is the link to The Guardian article that came out after the trip. I expect something similar to be written by David Kortova: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/apr/27/chile-forced-adoption-scandal

When we arrive in Chile…. we will be touring landmarks in Santiago and visiting the Museo de la Memoria (a museum dedicated to the memory of the coupe in 1974 and the years of dictatorship that followed). The museum is planning on opening an exhibit dedicated to the "stolen children of Chile" in April 2025. The plan is to have the stories of the adoptees that came on the prior two trips and this one, included in the exhibit.

Here is the link go the Group GoFundMe https://gofund.me/f5810c5b = This will go towards the whole Group. Thank you for donating and Thank you so much for caring.

I can't wait to share with all of you, what happens. Videos, Pictures, alllll of the things. Please share my story, please donate and please comment when you have donated so I can thank you personally!

I hope to raise $10,000 in my name.  Whatever not used for my portion of the trip will stay with Connecting Roots to help others locate their families.  I'm still working on setting up a gofundme specifically for me. As someone who was sold for money, it is extremely hard for me to ask for money for myself.  I've actually already been called selfish and unfriended by someone because they didn't understand my situation.  When I get the courage (hopefully soon) I'll set one up specifically for my portion of the trip. 

Thank you for Helping Join the Search!! 

 Rocio signing off
I'll be seeing you soon Mama G


Ana-Maria